Tuesday, April 22, 2008

I was an Eeyore..

Yep it's true. For the past couple months I had chosen to be Eeyore instead of Tigger. Now your probably thinking to yourself, what the heck is she talking about?! Well.. to answer the question invading your mind-The Last Lecture.
Never heard of it? Funny, not many people have- well that is, until Prime Time did a story on it last week.
The Last Lecture- A love story for your life is a lecture (and a book) by Randy Pausch an amazing 47 yr old Computer Prof who is dying of Cancer. I would go into it in more detail but I feel that everyone should experience this for themselves.
Please check it out at:

Its long but if you have the time I Promise you won't regret it. :)

So how does this lecture bring me to my point of Eeyore? Well as we all know Eeyore is a wee bit on the pessimistic side. (OK so wee bit is an understatement.) He is gloomy and while still adorable always finds something to complain about. This was me to a T! Then one day it all changed. I went into the doctors office for a routine exam and a week later was told I needed to come in for further testing. It was possible it was Cancer. Even the mere mention of it threw me into a tizzy. I just knew that God wouldn't do that to me...would He? I had just had twin sons, and watched them fight for their lives, and now I was going to have fight for my own? It just didn't seem fair. But as I recalled time and time again from my childhood-"Who says life is fair?"
The testing came and went and the agonizing wait for the results seemed to never end. During that time I found myself worrying and thinking if it came down to it and I had to depart this Earth, what things would be most important for me to leave my sons. What lessons, values, memories.
I know, what morbid thoughts right?!
I had finally come to grips with the idea that maybe my time here was done. Obviously I would fight like there was no tomorrow but as Randy had so eloquently put it, "you can't change the cards your dealt, but you can decide on how to play them." I didn't even have the results yet but I knew I was already starting to feel at peace with whatever decision God had made for me.

I was lucky. Just precancerous cells that would be monitored over the next few months and years. *sigh of relief for now*

I am, by nature; a planner, controller and an organizer. Mind you my house may not always be organized, under control or planned out correctly but never the less I am these things. When I found out I was pregnant with the twins and heard what I was going to have to undergo- I let go. I gave it to God. (or so I thought.) I couldn't plan the birth, but I did get the nursery perfect. I couldn't control what was going on at home when I was inpatient- but you better believe I called and threw my two cents in every chance I got! Did I learn my lesson? Apparently not. So perhaps this testing and waiting for my results was in fact round two of my learning to let go.
I'm far from perfect and maybe just maybe I've learned a little more of the lesson- but I'm only human and there is still a portion of me that thinks I can fix it all and I know best. But I don't and I can't.

What I *have* learned is this:

~I won't take anything (or anyone) for granted
~I DO have all that I need
~Negative thoughts don't help me

I've been blessed in more ways than I could ever thank. I've been given more chances than I've probably ever deserved and been loved more, so far in my life, than I could have ever asked for!
Happiness may not be attainable everyday- but I have the comfort in knowing no matter what comes my way I will be Tigger. (and keep bouncing right back.)
I *will* be strong enough to get back up from my knees after getting beat down. No matter how tired I am I will leave each day with a smile for I know this life is the only one I've got and I'm not going to waste one more day fretting over the minor details.
Let the pieces fall where they may and the cards be dealt.
~I'll play the best game that I can!!


Tracy said...

I hadn't seen the lecture, but am motivated to do so. I as well can be an eeyore & let myself focus on the pessimistic instead of celebrating how blessed I am. I am enjoying your blog!! Good stuff.

Lottie_Ellie said...

I think I am a Rabbit/Pooh mix if that is possible.

Claremont First Ward said...

I haven't heard of this, but am so glad that the tests came back precancerous and that your "views" have changed.....:)

Laura said...

My first response just got lost.

I wanted to say thanks for posting this. I find I am a planner too. My pregnancy with my twins was horrible for me. Apparently I have not let it go either. Recently I am seeing that I have to let my own will go and follow God's plan for me. It has been so hard for me to learn to be happy and find happiness even when I do not have what I wanted.

I am Arizona; a person, not a place. said...

I saw part of the lecture and it is beautiful. It makes you want to go out and live the life you really want to live. I had a cancer scare 12 years ago and it does change your perspective a bit, to say the least. I'm glad you don't have cancer, but precancerous is scary as well.