Emotions Run High

Our NICU Journey has Begun and so far... its been a doozy. I feel like such an outsider in my sons care. (Not to mention their lives.) Its so hard to see them hooked up to these machines that are breathing for them. Both boys are heavily sedated and it makes me want to cry. Their second night of life Bus had a Pnuemothorax. (it short a hole in his lungs) So he needed to have a chest tube put in so it would let the air out of his chest that had collected. The Hub had the unfortunate experience of having been present when they were doing the surgery. We were not told that it was being performed until he went down there and saw it. (they were going to tell us after they relieved the pressure.) Then we got the call in the hospital room that Moose needed one.
Two days later we were awoken by One of the NICU docs to tell us that Bus needed another one. He explained how it was rare to have more than two so we shouldn't worry and how the staff was just baffled as to the immaturity of the boys' lungs. (Seeing as I had two rounds of steroid shots to help with their lung maturity before giving birth- plus I was 30.5 weeks when I gave birth which was suppose to have given the boys an even better chance lung maturity wise.)
As if the boys had been in competition we got yet another call that Moose needed a second tube. I cried all night. How could these sweet boys be having to go through so much in such a short time in their lives? During this time I was the pumping queen. Seeing as I didn't have the sweet babies to get that milk flowing- Bessie.. My "milker" became my best friend. (One night when I was on my pain meds I kid you not that machine started talking to me and it repeated Budapest over and over again! Ohhhh drugs!)
When my milk finally came in I was so excited to get wheeled down to the NICU to drop off my bottle for the boys (not that they would be eating anytime soon but it would be frozen until the time came) and we were sideswiped with a consent form to preform a blood transfusion on Bus. My eyes started to sting and though I fought it, the tears came. I couldn't believe that this was happening. I couldn't wrap my mind around the thought of having someone elses blood run through my 3 day old son. (Needless to say the Hub slept next to me until I calmed down that night.)
After our arrival home Bus needed yet one more chest tube (yes that makes three if your keeping track!) and had a Level 1-2 brain bleed while Moose had to be put under the bili lights due to jaundice.

*sigh* Its been rough. *tear*